Good evening, I’m Smarty Feelin’ and welcome to another edition of the Spiritual Makeover Show. Over the next thirty minutes with the help of some really enlightened people we will be attempting to raise this week’s lucky contestant from the doldrums of this earthly existence to the dizzy heights of the blissful state. Our two regular panellists Fr. Brian Chancer and the lovely Sr. Sylvia of the Order of the Broken Hymen are joined in studio by our special guest this week that globe-trotting smile and all round good guy The Daddy Lama. Welcome guys and may I say how nice it is to have you with us. Ok let’s get on with the show. Our contestant this evening is from an old fashioned catholic family, she is an unmarried mother of four and comes from Drumcondra, and so, will you please give a warm welcome to Mary.
Ok Mary, what is your particular situation and how do you think Spiritual Makeover can help?
Well Smarty, as an unmarried mother of four young boys I don’t seem to have any time to myself anymore. You know like, for any deep thinking and meditation about the deeply deep meaning of life and things of a very deep nature like that. Like, when I was younger, like, I spent all of my time studying guys like Meister Eckhart and mulling over Thomas Aquinas, and how he arrived at his great silence and his Summa Theological and stuff like that like. And now when I have fed and bathed the kids and put them to bed all I seem to have energy for is flopping in front of that hopeless little screen and pigging out on a few hours of Facebook.
I see, go on
Well Smarty, I have noticed how all of my friends are so much more clever and spiritual than I am.
What makes you say that, Mary?
Well Smarty, my friends are always posting these really cool posts and sayings about God and Angels and Journeying and Paths and Buddha’s and Jesus and Nothingness and Secrets and Life and Death and the Universe and things like that, like.
And your problem is Mary?
Well Smarty, when my friends post this sort of stuff they get millions of likes and everybody loves them and want to be their friends and I am afraid to post anything because I know everyone will think I’m stupid and everyone will hate me. My confidence is all shot to pieces and my self-esteem is non-existent and I am so miserable I really don’t know what to do anymore. You see Smarty, being a catholic all of my life has severely restricted my ability to think for myself and let’s face it there are no clever one liners about Transubstantiation or The Three Divine Persons in the One God. I really want to change my life and I am thinking of a more Eastern outlook with more colour, spice and dare I say it incense, yes more incense in my spiritual practice.
Ok Mary let me stop you there and get some thoughts from our distinguished panel. Fr.Brian perhaps you would like to start.
Yes Smarty, but first I would just like to say what a pleasure it is to be here week after week it has worked wonders for my ego not to mention my standing with the archbishop.
Yes yes Brian get on with it for Christ’s sake.
Ha ha very funny. Ok, well first let me just say that I can feel Mary’s unhappiness that is what I am here for. And it’s ok to be unhappy, you see Mary if I was you I would look are my motives for wanting to be happy, I know Christ likes to think of us as his sheep but I don’t think He means for us to just follow the herd so just because all of your friends are happy doesn’t mean you have to be happy also. My mother had a saying for this sort of thing and it was; if you friends put their hand into the fire do you have to put your hand in there also? So Mary, just off the top of my head, my advice to you would be, get a fucking life.
Ok, thank you for that Fr. Brian. Sr. Sylvia
Sr. Sylvia
What?
Your thoughts for Mary
Oh sorry I was just updating my check in on Facebook.
I have asked you before Sister to do that either before or after the show
Ok sorry. Ok so my thoughts for Mary. Well I really don’t have any, I tend to think along the same lines as Eric Berne, that most people who ask for help in situations such as Mary finds herself in don’t really want to be helped at all. Most people live life in a shit hole and they don’t want to even try to get out, they think it is simpler just to get everyone else to stop making waves. My advice for Mary is resolve to lift yourself out of the hole and when you do that, you will find you are already out of the hole.
Thank you for that sister, I think I understand where you are coming from. Ok, Daddy, any words of wisdom for Mary?
Yes Smarty but first let me say what a great honour it is to be on your show tonight, I have been a fan of yours since the first time I saw you on the Lotto. I would like to take issue with something Fr. Brian said, get a life. Get a life, this statement, in my opinion and bearing in mind the fastest way to enlightenment is to hold no opinions further exacerbates Mary’s dilemma. This statement creates a dualistic mind set. You are suggesting there is Mary and there is Life, two separate things. Father Mary is life. One cannot get a life, one can only be life. And my advice to Mary is to just go with the flow of Facebook.
Ok thank you for that Daddy, and here we take a break. See you in a few minutes.
Ok. Welcome back. Mary asked me during the break if it was ok if she could wave to her Granny who is recovering in hospital form a hip replacement. Wave into camera number three, now Mary. Ok when Mary is doing that let me tell you our friends in Enlightened Books were on to us during the week and they have just published a new translation of The Kabbalah and they have given us one for everyone in the audience tonight. How about that? Ok this is what we are going to do for Mary tonight. Our panel will give Mary one of their favourite quotes or sayings and Mary can if she wishes chose one of these or she can phone and ask a friend for one or she can write one of her own. Mary will then go behind the curtain and type what she has chosen as her status. Our studio audience will then on their facebookomiters will either like or ignore what Mary has written. Ok Mary do you understand the rules?
Yes Smarty.
Don’t be nervous I know all the people of Drumcondra are rooting for you.
Thanks Smarty.
Ok Fr. Brian can I ask you to give us your favourite quote or saying please.
God is Dead, Friedrich Nietzsche
That’s an unusual one for a catholic priest if you don’t mind me saying so Fr. Brian.
Yeh! It’s great, never fails to get a laugh.
Ok, Sr. Sylvia
We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl, The Madonna
Hummmm, nice one, Daddy Lama
Well can I just say Fr. Brian has used my all-time favourite so I guess I will have to go with, if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him. Lin Chi.
Ok thank you panel, Mary, what do you think? Any of those grab you?
I’m not sure Smarty
Would you like to phone a friend?
I don’t have any
Oh sorry I forgot that’s why you are here.
Ok Mary its make your mind up time. I have to ask you to step behind the curtain and write your chosen status please.
Ok while Mary is doing that let me tell you what we are doing next week, we will be in Carlow visiting a very moving statue.
Ok Mary are you ready?
Yes
Audience can I ask you to press your buttons now.
Wow, Mary you have gotten sixty seven likes out of a possible one hundred. Can you please read to us your status?
When food is scarce and your larder bare
And no rashers grease your pan,
When hunger grows as your meals are rare -
A pint of plain is your only man.
Flann O’Brien
Great stuff Mary. Ok once again we have run out of time thank you to Mary our panel and the studio audience and thank you to you at home for watching
Smarty, Smarty
Ok Daddy Lama Last word for you
There is no such thing as time Smarty there is no yesterday, no tomorrow only now………..
Good night.
09 November 2012
Copyright©JoeMcgill
